Mister Simpson Please Stop Insulting My Cultre and Get Out of My Store and Please Come Again

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Tomorrow, FXX begins its 12-day marathon of every Simpsons episode always. This is in itself a awe-inspiring and staggering challenge, and nosotros have already produced a guide on how to handle it. Simply this revived Simpsons mania led me down an even deeper, darker garden path: an try to painstakingly catalogue the funniest line spoken past every important Simpsons character, from the five master family members to the recesses of the vast recurring cast. Every choice is, of course, utterly definitive, and I'm sure no one will have any objections to them. Simply I accept annotated most of them merely in example there is debate. Read on, hopefully with a mix of horror and please.

Homer Simpson

"Everything lasts forever."
—Homer the Great (Season 6, Episode 12), in response to Lisa'southward warning, "Dad I know y'all think you're happy now, only it's non gonna final forever!"
[there is no one greatest Homer line, I acknowledge. This quiet commutation in the middle of the Stonecutters episode has long been a personal favorite]

Marge Simpson

"Listen to your mother, kids. Aim low. Aim so low no one will even care if you succeed. Dinner'southward in the oven. If you desire some butter it'southward nether my confront."
—The Twisted World of Marge Simpson (Flavour 8, Episode xi), afterward her pretzel business fails.
[whenever nosotros go a glimpse into Marge'southward deep, merely usually hidden, well of darkness and low is normally when she's at her funniest]

Lisa Simpson

"If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room."
—Bart Gets Famous (Season five, Episode 12), after the whole cast recite their catchphrases.
[Lisa is perchance the all-time character on The Simpsons, partly considering she almost doesn't desire to take part]

Bart Simpson

"I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda."
—Bart Sells His Soul (Season 7, Episode 4), afterwards Lisa quotes Pablo Neruda to him.
[Bart is the most catchphrase-y character but makes me express joy the virtually when he's being dry]

Granddaddy Simpson

"I can't wait to eat that monkey."
—Girly Edition (Flavor 9, Episode 21), after meeting his new helper monkey Mojo.
[I also considered the line near beingness "with information technology" from Homerpalooza, but that'due south just a brilliant piece of writing, less character-specific]

Charles Montgomery Burns

"Have the Rolling Stones killed."
—Rosebud (Flavour five, Episode 4), after being given a profane altogether concert by The Ramones.
[impossible to choose, but there's something so perfect most the combination of casual evil and cultural unawareness here]

Waylon Smithers

"Uh, no, they're saying, 'Boo-urns! Boo-urns!'"
—A Star is Burns (Season 6, Episode 18), reassuring his dominate of his popularity.
[his best line, simply information technology's rarely attributed to him]

Seymour Skinner

"Attention, students, this is Master Skinner, your principal, with a message from the principal's office. Report immediately for an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. Damn it, I wish we hadn't let the students proper name that one."
—Lisa on Ice (Season 6, Episode eight), making a school proclamation.
[but he did, so he'll follow the rules about it]

Agnes Skinner

"Oh my name's Agnes, and you know it'southward Agnes! Information technology means lamb! Lamb of God!"
—The Twisted World of Marge Simpson (Season 8, Episode 11), when Marge forgets her name
[very shut between this and, from the same episode,"Gimbels is gone, Marge…LONG gone. You're Gimbels!"]

Krusty the Clown

"Sex Cauldron?! I thought they closed that place downwards!"
—Form School Confidential (Season viii, Episode nineteen), after Maude spells out the words "sex" and "children."
[my favorite grapheme. I could make full an article with his lines]

Sideshow Bob

"Oh, cousin Merl, really!"
—Brother From Another Series (Flavor viii, Episode xvi), after his construction site co-worker says his dead smellhound has "gone to heaven."
[we should build whole cities in tribute to the way Kelsey Grammer delivers this line]

Sideshow Mel

"Everyone'south always kissing your ass. Well I'grand not agape to tell y'all, yous're a- [Blip]"
—I Love Lisa (Flavour 4, Episode 15), drunk on "wowie juice" in a never-before-seen Krusty the Clown clip
[Sideshow Mel is very funny but merely because he's so serious]

Patty Bouvier

"At that place goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality."
—Treehouse of Horror III (Season 4, Episode 5), spoken as Homer runs by naked.
[it would only take her twelve more years to address this publicly!]

Selma Bouvier

"Then phone call me Mrs. Scum."
—Blackness Widower (Season 3, Episode 21), after Bart warns her against marrying Sideshow Bob, who Bart calls "scum."
[Selma is peradventure the more than tragic of the Bouvier twins, although her optimism regarding men is beauteous]

Ned Flanders

"It'southward skillful for keepin' downwards the urges!"
—A Milhouse Divided (Flavour 8, Episode 6), in reference to cornstarch.
[nigh a throwaway in the episode, but in that location'south then much to recollect about there]

Maude Flemish region

"Unflavored for me!"
—Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily (Flavour 7, Episode iii), putting in an guild for non-fat ice milk.
[she was the perfect adult female for him]

Rod Flanders

"Atomic number 26 helps us play!"
—Lisa'south First Word (Flavour 4, Episode 10), running to swallow liver for dinner.

Todd Flanders

"Daddy says dice are wicked!"
—My Sister, My Sitter (Season eight, Episode 17), playing board games with Lisa.
[it'due south more Moe'due south line but I also love "my freakin' ears!"]

Reverend Lovejoy

"Ned, have yous considered whatever of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the aforementioned."
—Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily (Season seven, Episode 3), giving spiritual advice to Ned.
[all his all-time lines are along these parameters]

Helen Lovejoy

"Information technology's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body, which, applied equally they may be, are evil!"
—Itchy and Scratchy and Marge (Flavour 2, Episode 9), discussing Michaelangelo'south David.
[Helen'south hysterical delivery is crucial to everything she does, such as the much-quoted line linked higher up]

Clancy Wiggum

"Broil 'em abroad, toys!"
—Cape Feare (Flavour 5, Episode two), overriding Bart's social club of "take 'em away, boys!"
[perfect in its simplicity]

Ralph Wiggum

"Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw ane of the babies and and then the infant looked at me"
—Grade School Confidential (Season eight, Episode 19), subsequently witnessing a makeout session in a janitor'southward closet.
[the about over-quoted Simpsons character, merely he has a ton of great moments]

Groundskeeper Willie

"Requite me that, you noodle-armed choir-boy!"
—The Joy of Sect (Season 9, Episode 13), fighting with Reverend Lovejoy over who gets to beat the cult programming out of Homer.
[followed by Reverend Lovejoy calling him "Mr. Kilt"]

Barney Gumble

"LORD PALMERSTON!"
—Homer at the Bat (Season three, Episode 17), debating England'south greatest Prime Minister with Wade Boggs.
[the all-time version of the 'stupid guy is smart' joke ever]

Apu

"Ah. The searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you. I mean, I think I'm dying."
—Homer and Apu (Flavor v, Episode thirteen), afterward being shot.
[I beloved Apu jokes that middle on his brave and violent occupation]

Moe

"I'thou ameliorate than dirt. Well, well-nigh kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought clay... I can't compete with that stuff."
—Team Homer (Season 7, Episode 12), evaluating his condition in life.
[correct behind Krusty in the "favorite character" and "incessantly funny lines" categories]

Kirk Van Houten

"Information technology's dignity! Gah! Don't you fifty-fifty know nobility when yous meet it?"
—A Milhouse Divided (Season viii, Episode 6), trying to describe the concept of "nobility" for his married woman.
[this whole scene is a masterpiece, and "Tin can I Borrow a Feeling" isn't actually a quote]

Luann Van Houten

"I'yard sorry, I'm non as smart as you lot, Kirk. Nosotros didn't all become to Gudger College."
—A Milhouse Divided (Season eight, Episode six), failing to judge Kirk's "dignity" clue.
[Gudger College is fictional, simply that proper name is perfect]

Milhouse Van Houten

"Everything's coming up Milhouse!"
—Mom and Pop Art (Season x, Episode nine), when his inundation pants go on his cuffs "bone-dry."
[sometimes it's best to get with the greatest hits]

Lionel Hutz

"He's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his canis familiaris. Well, supplant the word 'kinda' with the discussion 'repeatedly,' and the give-and-take 'domestic dog' with 'son.'"
—Marge in Chains (Season 4, Episode 21), discussing his relationship with Estimate Snyder.
[how practise you option just 1 Hutz line? It's impossible]

Troy McClure

"Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow always got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care nigh!"
—Lisa the Vegetarian (Season 7, Episode 5), advocating against vegetarianism.
[just as impossible, but this whole faux newsreel is my favorite Troy McClure scene]

Lenny Leonard

"Ow, my eye! I'g not supposed to get pudding in information technology!"
—Homer vs. Dignity (Flavor 12, Episode five), equally pudding is hurled at his eye.
[a wonderful straight man and autumn guy]

Carl Carlson

"Aw, nuts. I mean...aw, basics."
—Mountain of Madness (Flavour viii, Episode 12), after he is partnered with Lenny in a team-edifice exercise.
[Carl's human relationship with Lenny is so dumbo and complicated and largely unspoken]

Kent Brockman

"Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to impale. The regime calls it the Army, only a more alarmist name would exist...the Killbot Factory."
—Homer Loves Flemish region (Flavor five, Episode 16)
[other obvious choices include "insect overlords" and "democracy simply doesn't work," but this is an old personal favorite. Thanks to his task on the show, Kent is ane of the best sources of ane-liners]

Edna Krabappel

"She'south faking."
—Bart'due south Friend Falls In Dear (Season 3, Episode 23), watching a sex education video with her fourth-graders.
[really, all yous need is "HAH!"]

Miss Hoover

"I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word."
—Lisa the Iconoclast (Flavour vii, Episode 16), endorsing the utilise of the word "embiggens."
[pretty much every slap-up Miss Hoover moment hinges on her utter apathy]

Superintendent Chalmers

"Oh, I take had it, I have had information technology with this school, Skinner! The low exam scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children!"
—Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (Flavour v, Episode 19), evaluating Springfield Uncomplicated.
[the greatest Utican to ever appear on idiot box]

Comic Book Guy

"Ohhh, I've wasted my life."
—Treehouse of Horror Eight (Season ix, Episode four), seconds before he is obliterated by a neutron bomb.
[a close-runner upward is "I can requite y'all this telephone. It is shaped like Mary Worth."]

Professor Frink

"Please, I accept a funny story, if you'll mind? I fifty-fifty wrote theme music, listen! Ahem. Hey. Hey. Professor Frink, Professor Frink, he'll make you express joy, he'll make you recollect, he likes to run, and and then the matter, with the...person? Oh boy, that monkey is going to pay"
—22 Brusque Films Near Springfield (Season 7, Episode 21), missing his chance at debuting his spinoff "The Tomfoolery of Professor John Frink."
[it'south all about the delivery with Frink, merely I wish nosotros could have seen this show]

Dr. Hibbert

"Too crazy for Boy's Town, too much of a boy for Crazy Town!"
—Treehouse of Horror Vii (Season 8, Episode ane), describing Bart's evil twin.
[Hibbert'southward non really with the jokes, simply he'southward so quietly demented]

Nelson Muntz

"I 'unno. Gotta nuke somethin'."
—Lisa's Appointment With Destiny (Season 8, Episode seven), defending his "Nuke the Whales" poster.
[gotta nuke somethin'!]

Fat Tony

"You have 24 hours to give united states our coin. And to show you we're serious… you have 12 hours."
—The Twisted Globe of Marge Simpson (Season 8, Episode eleven), giving Marge a mob ultimatum.
[he'southward legendarily great throughout this episode]

Sea Helm

"Arr, I don't know what I'g doin'."
—Boy-Scouts N the Hood (Season v, Episode 8), later a boat he's trying to sell to Homer sinks.
[for a man whose proper name is an occupation, the Sea Captain has held many jobs over the years]

Luigi

"Hey Salvatore! Get the ugly kid a platter of the red crap-a!"
—Sweet Seymour Skinner'southward Baadasssss Song (Flavor 5, Episode 19), putting in an order for Bart's nutrient.
[also: "Yeah, you encounter how you scum"]

Jasper

"Sidewalk's for regular walkin', not for fancy walkin'."
—Who Shot Mr. Burns, Part Two (Flavour vii, Episode ane), equally Smithers approaches him drunkenly.
[Jasper is a secret fountain of corking quotes]

Gil Gunderson

"Ah, they stole the balloon! I've been living in there! [hot plate falls from the airship] Oh, lord, my hot plate! I just had ii payments left!"
—Natural Built-in Kissers (Season 9, Episode 25), after Homer and Marge steal his hot air balloon.
[same for Gil. Remember his rusty Colecovisions]

Joe Quimby

"Can't nosotros take one meeting that doesn't stop with united states digging up a corpse?
—Lisa the Iconoclast (Flavor 7, Episode 16), after the town decides to dig up Jebediah Springfield'due south corpse.
[Quimby has never said anything that wasn't funny]

The Blue-Haired Lawyer

"Please sign these papers indicating that you lot did not save Itchy & Scratchy."
—The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (Flavor viii, Episode xiv), afterwards Roger Myers Jr. tells Lisa she saved Itchy & Scratchy.
[I love the blue-haired lawyer.]

Martin Prince

"Ooh! Pick me, Teacher! I'm always so smart!"
—The Terminal Temptation of Homer (Flavour v, Episode 9), calling out in grade.
[Team Discovery Channel!]

Uter

"Don't make me run! I'm full of chocolate!"
—Lisa on Water ice (Season 6, Episode eight), existence chased by Homer the towel-snapper in the gym
[Uter might not have another great line, but he's got this one]

Jimbo

"That is so gay!"
—Lisa'south Date With Destiny (Season 8, Episode seven), upon witnessing Nelson kiss a girl.
[probably the funniest of the bully trio]

Hans Moleman

"I need the biggest seed bell you have. ...No, that's besides large."
—Itchy & Scratchy Land (Flavor 6, Episode iv), under assail from predatory birds
[just thinking well-nigh what they said on the other side of this telephone call puts me in hysterics]

Otto

"Wow, I had mustard?"
—The Otto Bear witness (Season 3, Episode 22), upon being told the merely possessions in his apartment were a jar of mustard and quondam motorcycle magazines.
[not a lot of funny Otto lines!]

Disco Stu

"Disco Stu doesn't annunciate."
—Ii Bad Neighbors (Season seven, Episode thirteen), rejecting Homer's "Disco Stud" jacket which is missing a D because he ran out of rhinestones.
[a hilarious one-joke advent that should take ended there]

Dr. Nick

"When you lot were in that blackout, did you feel your brain getting damaged?"
—Who Shot Mr. Burns, Role 2 (Season 7, Episode 1), inspecting a catatonic Mr. Burns.
[1 of the best one-joke characters]

Lunchlady Doris

"More testicles ways more than iron."
—Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (Season 5, Episode 19), preparing tiffin from a barrel of horse testicles.
[but don't forget her promoting the "bunly goodness" of a hot dog bun]

Duffman

"Duffman... can't breathe! OH no!"
—Pygmoelian (Season 11, Episode 16), after Moe puts a suffocating sticker on his face.
[another one-joke character who maybe should accept died with this appearance]

Snake

"She needs premium, dude! Premium! Dude!"
— Realty Bites (Season 9, Episode 9), when Homer buys his automobile at auction.

Database

"I make it a bespeak never to turn my head unless I await to come across something, Bart."
—Bart's Comet (Season 6, Episode 14), later Bart tells him to look at the comet out the window.
[what a persnickety nerd. Officially Matt Groening'southward least favorite character]

Cletus

"Hey, I can telephone call my ma from up here. HEY MA, GET OFF THE DANG ROOF!"
—22 Brusque Films About Springfield (Flavor 7, Episode 21), climbing a telephone pole.

Kang

"It does not matter which way you vote. Either fashion your planet is doomed. Doomed. Doomed!"
—Treehouse of Horror VII (Season eight, Episode 1), as Bob Dole, discussing American democracy
[the aliens' best episode is when they're dressed every bit Clinton and Dole, only it counts]

Kodos

"My young man Americans. Equally a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball game, but tonight I say, we must move forrard, not backward, up not forrard, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards liberty."
—Treehouse of Horror Vii (Season eight, Episode ane), as Neb Clinton, making his pitch to the American people.
[see above]

Poochie

"Hey kids, e'er recycle. TO THE EXTREME!"
—The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (Flavor 8, Episode 14), giving young people advice.
[because he technically didn't say "I accept to go now. My planet needs me."]

Squeaky-Voiced Teen

"Only this comes out of my bacon! If I had a girlfriend, she'd impale me."
—Krusty Gets Kancelled (Flavour iv, Episode 22), when a taco he sold is returned.
[there's perchance a better one, but everything that comes out of this kid'due south mouth works]

Sarcastic Guy

"Bingo bango, saccharide in the gas tank. The ex-husband strikes again!"
—Bart the Lover (Season three, Episode xvi), assisting Edna with her car.
[the Sarcastic Guy is one of the all-time secret Simpsons characters]

Rainier Wolfcastle

"My eyes! The goggles do null!"
—Radioactive Homo (Season seven, Episode ii), as he is carried away by a wave of acid
[let'due south end things hither.]

Endless thanks to Joe Reid and my Twitter followers in helping me compile this maddening project.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.

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Source: https://www.theatlantic.com/culture/archive/2014/08/the-greatest-line-every-simpsons-character-ever-delivered/378879/